Something I often see written in my birthday cards from my parents “To our firstborn…” and I never really took notice of it or understood the sentiment behind those words.
Strangely it was the day we found out Honey Nut was a girl, and although I was over the moon with happiness, I also felt a bit of sadness for Tyler. It was weird, all these emotions and thoughts going through my head. I would look at him and think I don’t want him to feel neglected when we have the new baby, I don’t want him to feel second-best when I can’t go to him first if I’m feeding the baby.
I think it was the way he reacted that made me sad, he was so clingy and wanting me to pick him and and hold him all the time, and he would say “I want Mummy” in the most babyish voice. It made me feel so guilty. How I’m going to have to share my love between him and Honey Nut now, and though I don’t want to treat Honey Nut any differently from Tyler, I don’t want Tyler to feel I love him any less.
We’ve had so many adventures together, just me and him, it felt strange that I was going to have to share them now. I didn’t want them to stop.
So many coffee dates, from braving it to Southbank on the bus when we lived in Brixton, going to McDs after storytime in Clapham library (where I’d feed him his baby pasta), that time we jumped on a bus to Wandsworth museum, our regular dates in Costa after Stay n Play in Greenford, and more recently our dates in Costa or Sainsbury’s cafe after playgroup in Slough. They’ve been such a joy, like ALL of his life!
The reactions I had to my news that we were having a girl made me feel strange, though I know they were well intentioned.
- “Now you’re having a girl, you can get all those pink pink pink clothes like you’ve alway wanted” – Nooo! I’ve loved dressing my boy and searching for the coolest outfits, I haven’t been longing for pink.
- “Having a girl is so different from having a boy, you’ll love it!” – I don’t want it to be different, I’ve had so much fun with my boy, I hope she’ll be just like him.
- “You can look forward to all those Mummy and Daughter days, having coffees together” – oh, but I’ve loved my Mummy and Son days, and we’ve been going for coffees together since day 1 – ok, just me having the coffee – but Tyler is the best company, always making me laugh.
All those lunches after playgroup, train adventures, discovering new places, days out in Ikea, first holidays, and he’s even taught me so much – I really am the mum with the most knowledge about trains now! We’ve had so many daytrips, just me and him, to Oxford, Reading, Newbury, Henley, Maidenhead, Weston-Super-Mare, Brighton, Southend, Basingstoke, Banbury – I can’t believe how many train adventures we’ve had! One day we’ll go to Japan and travel on a Shinkansen train.
Now this post is NOT about me not looking forward to my future adventures with Honey Nut, it’s more of an appreciation of all the first adventures I have had with Tyler, and a longing for them not to end. For him to know these have been the best 4 years of my life, he’s brought so much fun and laughter and happiness in, and to tell him we’re just going to have even more adventures with a fun, new companion. Because if she’s anything like me, my husband and Tyler, she’ll be a funny, happy girl too.
Tyler, you’ll always be my firstborn, and I’ll never love you any less than I do right now.