You’ll always be my firstborn

Something I often see written in my birthday cards from my parents “To our firstborn…” and I never really took notice of it or understood the sentiment behind those words.

Until now.

Strangely it was the day we found out Honey Nut was a girl, and although I was over the moon with happiness, I also felt a bit of sadness for Tyler. It was weird, all these emotions and thoughts going through my head. I would look at him and think I don’t want him to feel neglected when we have the new baby, I don’t want him to feel second-best when I can’t go to him first if I’m feeding the baby.

I think it was the way he reacted that made me sad, he was so clingy and wanting me to pick him and and hold him all the time, and he would say “I want Mummy” in the most babyish voice. It made me feel so guilty. How I’m going to have to share my love between him and Honey Nut now, and though I don’t want to treat Honey Nut any differently from Tyler, I don’t want Tyler to feel I love him any less.

We’ve had so many adventures together, just me and him, it felt strange that I was going to have to share them now. I didn’t want them to stop.

So many coffee dates, from braving it to Southbank on the bus when we lived in Brixton, going to McDs after storytime in Clapham library (where I’d feed him his baby pasta), that time we jumped on a bus to Wandsworth museum, our regular dates in Costa after Stay n Play in Greenford, and more recently our dates in Costa or Sainsbury’s cafe after playgroup in Slough. They’ve been such a joy, like ALL of his life!

The reactions I had to my news that we were having a girl made me feel strange, though I know they were well intentioned.

  • “Now you’re having a girl, you can get all those pink pink pink clothes like you’ve alway wanted” – Nooo! I’ve loved dressing my boy and searching for the coolest outfits, I haven’t been longing for pink.
  • “Having a girl is so different from having a boy, you’ll love it!” – I don’t want it to be different, I’ve had so much fun with my boy, I hope she’ll be just like him.
  • “You can look forward to all those Mummy and Daughter days, having coffees together” – oh, but I’ve loved my Mummy and Son days, and we’ve been going for coffees together since day 1 – ok, just me having the coffee – but Tyler is the best company, always making me laugh.

All those lunches after playgroup, train adventures, discovering new places, days out in Ikea, first holidays, and he’s even taught me so much – I really am the mum with the most knowledge about trains now! We’ve had so many daytrips, just me and him, to Oxford, Reading, Newbury, Henley, Maidenhead, Weston-Super-Mare, Brighton, Southend, Basingstoke, Banbury – I can’t believe how many train adventures we’ve had! One day we’ll go to Japan and travel on a Shinkansen train.

Now this post is NOT about me not looking forward to my future adventures with Honey Nut, it’s more of an appreciation of all the first adventures I have had with Tyler, and a longing for them not to end. For him to know these have been the best 4 years of my life, he’s brought so much fun and laughter and happiness in, and to tell him we’re just going to have even more adventures with a fun, new companion. Because if she’s anything like me, my husband and Tyler, she’ll be a funny, happy girl too.

Tyler, you’ll always be my firstborn, and  I’ll never love you any less than I do right now.

Mummy x

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38 responses to “You’ll always be my firstborn

  1. Awwwwww, how sweet – and how lovely to read a Mummy loving to spend time with her little one, don’t seem to hear that as much unfortunately… Imagine – double the fun with the baby you’re expecting 🙂

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  2. It’s funny how people say having a girl is different to having a boy – and in my experience it has been, although my love has been just the same x #twinklytuesday

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  3. Such a sweet read. I’ve been talking to another mummy friend recently who said when she had her second she had no end of guilt I hear its common when u first have ur second.

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    • That’s how I felt, I’ve had so much fun with my boy, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like with a girl! Glad to hear you’re building more memories 😀 xx

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  4. This is a great post and made me cry a little. I felt exactly the same before my 2nd came along (she’s now 4 months). I still feel awful as I crave for alone time with eldest. Our relationship has changed but I just have to try and make a big effort to make sure she doesn’t feel left out x

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    • Aw thank you, I felt all emotional writing it! Glad you can relate. I think we’re going to have to take turns where daddy has one child and I have the other so they each get some alone time. Gosh it’s going to be so different – eek! xx

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  5. I can really relate to this – I had a boy first and girl second. It annoys me when girls are seen as some kind of ‘prize’. I shed a few tears at the hospital knowing the time with just my son and I would be a bit different now. Its lovely seeing him as a big brother! x

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    • Yes you’re right, it does seem like a ‘prize’! I am just cherishing these last 3 months with it being all about Tyler. I hope he’ll like being a big brother! xx

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  6. As a mummy of five, there is something so special about your firstborn. All of my children are special but the one that made me a mummy holds a special place in my heart for sure. #twinklytuesday

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  7. aww this is a beautiful honest post – it must be so hard for the firstborn – all of mummies attention and then having to share it. All those first adventures are wonderful but he will adore being a big brother – a very important special role #twinklytuesday

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    • Thank you 🙂 Yes that’s how I imagine a firstborn would feel, and how would he understand?! Hopefully he’ll like being a big brother and won’t mind having to share me – fingers crossed! xx

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  8. A lovely post to read. It will be exactly what you want it to be. Everyone has their views and opinions but only when you go though it yourself can you make any comparison if any. You have such a strong bond with your son and that shows here I am sure nothing will come in the way of that even your your new little bundle I too was worried when I had my second but I have my eldest the duty of big sister and told her I needed her for just about everything nothing to nappy changes and she never saw her brother as a threat and they are very close thank goodness. Wishing you all the luck with your new arrival x

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    • Aw thank you for this comment, it’s really made me feel better. I have a feeling Tyler will be really helpful to me, so I’m sure he’ll be a great big brother 🙂 xx

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  9. Aww this is so lovely. It’s annoying when people make assumptions about how you’ll feel about your new baby. I worried about my first son when I was pregnant with my second, but it has all gone so well and your love just grows x

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  10. I think this is something that every 2nd 3rd 4th time mum goes through. i know i worried about how i would manage would i give enough time. we had no idea of the sex of our baby and now have 2 boys but I can see that a lot of fuss over baby being a girl may be insensitive for your son. TY for linking up with #FamilyFun 🌸

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    • I’m glad my feelings are normal, it’s a scary thought managing the two of them. But then if I didn’t have a second, I’d feel guilty that Tyler was an only child – there’s no winning! Yes people get so excited when they hear it’s a girl, I guess it’s natural, can’t blame them. But I love having my boy too! xx

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  11. Aww this is such a sweet post and it’s so lovely to be able to share and keep the thoughts and treasured memories before becoming a family of four. x

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  12. This is a really beautiful post, when he gets older you can show him this post and savour it together. It’s a shame he is becoming clingy, but I’m sure you’ll have lots and lots of fun times together as your little one gets bigger and can interact with Tyler Moore 🙂 #BloggerClubUk

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    • Thank you. Aw I hope he’ll like it when he’s older, though I imagine he’ll be like, mum you’re so embarrassing lol! Yeah he’s being clingy, but I don’t mind for now, hopefully it’s just a phase, fingers crossed xx

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  13. Such a lovely post. I also always get “oh there’s so many nice clothes for girls, boys clothes are so limiting” but like you I love shopping for my boy and finding him nice cool clothes! It will be lovely for you to have one of each though and like you said even though you have lovely first memories with your little man he’ll be able to make new fun memories with his new little sister. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x #FamilyFun

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    • It’s true, people assume girls clothes shopping is better, it’s just as fun for boys. I am looking forward to our new adventures with the 4 of us, scary but exciting! X

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  14. aw such a lovely words. I had a boy then a girl and got alot of the same comments, I then got alot of comments when I had another presuming he was an accident because I already had the perfect family with a boy and a girl. You will make just as many lovely memories with your girl and you have with Tyler, and you will make even more special memories with the two of them. #FamilyFun xxx

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    • Thank you. It’s funny what people assume isn’t it. I really wouldn’t mind what I have, just looking forward to being a family of four 🙂 xx

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  15. This is so lovely hun. I had a lot of the same feelings during my second pregnancy. That sense of nearly feeling guilty about having another child. But on the flip side, having another child is the best thing you can do for your son as he will have someone to play with & grow up with. People do say the oddest things! My first & second are boys & third is a girl. Everyone thought it was too bad when our second was a boy & I felt the opposite so I know just what you are saying here. When your daughter arrives everything will feel complete & right 🙂 Thanks so much for joining us at #bloggerclubuk

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    • It is strange, I never expected to have this feeling of guilt but it just happened! But yes if I didn’t have another, I’d feel guilty he was an only child, no winning! Still I am looking forward to our family of four xx

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  16. Aww, I know how you feel! I love my big boy so much, I found it hard nearer the end of pregnancy as I felt guilty toward him, wondering how he would feel when baby arrived. Two years later and I now have two lovely boys, wouldn’t ever change them for a girl, I love my boys! If I had a third I think I would be just as happy with another boy, not that I would be disappointed with a girl either. O still liked to be babied too, he’s started copying A’s shortened sentences and ask to get carried a lot, but that’s fine, he just needs reassurance that we still love him just as much too. 🙂 x #marvmondays

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    • Glad you can relate! I’m feeling less guilty as Tyler is getting more excited these days about the baby, which is a relief! I would have been happy boy or girl, boys are so much fun! Xx

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  17. Ah, this is lovely and I’m now 22 weeks pregnant with #2 and feeling the same. I absolutely adore my boy and he loves his Momma so much, I dread not being able to go to him every single time he needs me. We’re not sure what gender #2 is as we’re not finding out but I do hate all those comments. It’s awesome to have a girl but I’d be crazy in love with another boy too. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

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