Postnatal Depression Worries

It is something at the back of my mind, In that I really cannot wait to meet Honey Nut in June, but what if I get postnatal depression? I really hope I don’t. I think by writing down what happened to me with Tyler, it might help me not get it with Honey Nut.

Postnatal-depression-worries

So this is what happened.ย With Tyler I didn’t even consider PND, I thought I’m such a happy person, it could never happen to me.ย Back in 2012ย when he was born, everything changed. After the initial euphoria, came the reality. We were in charge of another life. Such a responsibility, I kept checking if he was breathing! I was breastfeeding him in those first few weeks, and as a result felt too scared to go outside in case I needed to feed him. I ended up not going outside at all for the first week. My car had a flat battery too, just bad timing. So suddenly from a life where I was carefree to wander around London whenever I wanted, I now felt trapped indoors. And the dark thoughts started.

Obviously I expected sleepless nights, but there was one night where I would feed him but he would cry every time I put him down, and this happened from 1am to 7am, I had no sleep and the sun had risen and I just felt like crying. My husband slept through it all. I had thoughts where I would imagine myself drowning at the bottom of the sea. I felt like I hadn’t slept for days, like such a zombie. There was no day or night in those first weeks, it was just one long day, and I lived in my nightie. Sometimes I’d forget to eat, as everything was about looking after our new baby, it just didn’t cross my mind to eat.

My brother picked me up in the second week so I could stay at my parents for a week. It helped but I then felt trapped in my old bedroom whenever I had to feed Tyler. I remember whoever held him, his eyes were always on me, they would follow me around the room, like I was his world. It is amazing that a newborn could feel that way, but at that moment and how my mind was going, I just felt all the pressure like it was too much. I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. Then my husband’s paternity leave was over and he had to go back to work and I just wanted to cry forever.

I knew this was not normal behaviour for me, and I think how I was acting scared my family, they didn’t know what to do. The midwife in my parents’ area called me and I told her I couldn’t stop crying. So she came over first thing in the morning. She was nice, but really went on about breastfeeding, about not worrying about a routine and to just feed on demand. So I did that, but it just made me feel more depressed, as it meant instead of feeding every 3 hours, it was all the time.

After I went back to my own home, it was time to look after Tyler on my own when my husband went to work. Every time he left at 7 in the morning, I just cried and Tyler would look at me. I’d say to him, sorry I can’t stop crying! My own local midwife came over and I just burst into tears. I’m glad that happened because she realised I had borderline post natal depression, but we were able to nip it in the bud because we got it then, at 2 and a half weeks after Tyler was born. She asked me what was making me unhappy, and I said it was the breastfeeding making me unhappy, feeling trapped in the house, not being able to share the feeding. I missed wearing makeup and pretty dresses.

She was a student midwife, which was a blessing in disguise, because they are told to push breastfeeding. She had all these leaflets about breastfeeding that she had to give me, and then she whispered ‘but you don’t have to’ She unofficially told me it was okay to move to formula, even though they’re not supposed to say that. She said happy mum = happy baby, so do whatever I need to do to be happy. Honestly, that statement saved me from postnatal depression, and I am so so grateful to that student midwife.

That week I gradually moved Tyler on to formula, and I felt like myself again. I started to wear my normal dresses again, and not have to worry about them being breastfeeding friendly. I could share the feeding with my hubby. It wasn’t all plain sailing as he then got colic for the next 3 weeks, which felt like 3 years! But by 6 weeks, he was an angel baby, in a routine and with a happy mummy.

So you see, I am nervous of this happening again with Honey Nut, as I do plan to breastfeed for the first 6 weeks in the hope she won’t get colic. It will be different this time as it’s not such an alien concept to me, I see friends do it, I see mums at playgroup do it and it’s such a normal thing now. I also live closer to my parents now, and we have a larger apartment now with lots of light, not a basement flat in South London anymore.

I also have this blog and blogging community now. Plus a smartphone so feeding the baby won’t be so boring. Can you believe in 2012, I had to go on to my laptop to look on Facebook. At least now I won’t feel so isolated from the world as I can just look on my phone.

So those are my postnatal depression worries. I feel better for writing it down, and hope I don’t get it. I just want to enjoy every minute with Honey Nut and Tyler.

Sabrina x
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43 responses to “Postnatal Depression Worries

  1. Sorry you went through that last time. Hopefully this time round as you know pretty much what it was that made you feel that way you won’t. Maybe it was the pressure you put on yourself to breastfeed but hopefully you can remember what the midwife said happy mum happy baby which I definitely agree with and it’ll stop you from falling into the pnd! X

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  2. Sorry to hear that you had such a tough time, but each pregnancy is different and you may feel differently this time round. The most important thing is that you’ve recognised it and so you will have some idea how to cope IF you get it again this time. I agree that happy mum makes happy baby, so you must do whatever it takes to make you happy! Good luck. #TwinklyTuesday x

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    • Thank you, that’s exactly why I wanted to write it down, so i remember what the signs are if it happens again. But definitely feeling more ready this time round! Xx

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  3. Ahh bless you – it really annoys me how much bf is pushed regardless of whether its working for the family. I think the fact you’ve been through it once before will allow you to make more confident decisions this time round. You’ll know your own mind. Even if it a little fuzzy from lack of sleep ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hope it goes well xx #TwinklyTuesday

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    • Thank you, yeah they are really pushy about it, rather than letting mums make a choice without feeling guilty. But this time round i definitely feel more confident and ready, even for the lack of sleep haha! Xx

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  4. Postnatal depression can be such a scary thing, but now that you know what signs to look out for, if it happens again, you’ll be able to cope better. The important thing is to do what’s right for you and your family and not worry about what you ‘should’ be doing. Good luck! #TwinklyTuesday

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    • That’s exactly why I wrote this, so the signs are fresh in my mind if it happens again. I feel like I’m better prepared so should be okay! Xx

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  5. Sorry to hear that you struggled last time. I had issues with breastfeeding too and felt so alone but eventually I switched to formula when Blake was 4 weeks old and I’m glad I did as felt so much happier for it.

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  6. Aww sorry to hear you had a tough time last time. I struggled for 6 mths breastfeeding my first baby, I should have stopped earlier but the guilt made me keep on struggling and I made myself ill. So when it didn’t work with my second I stopped after 2 weeks and it was the best decision I made. I’m sure knowing the signs, being a second time Mum you’ll be more confident and be able to cope better. Good Luck xx

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    • Agh the guilt, it’s awful and I’m sure midwives don’t help then with their advice. I’m glad it was better second time round, I know if I struggle I will move to formula, as long as baby’s fed! Xx

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  7. Sorry you went through PND with Tyler, I had PND with all five of my children and although it was horrific, I did survive it. I think the main thing is learning to recognise that you are struggling, in that way it is the first step to recovery. I’m sure you have an amazing support group around and fingers crossed you wont get it again this time. Good luck! #TwinklyTuesday

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    • Oh no, you had it five times, poor you! I hope by writing this post I’ll have what happened to me fresh in my mind, so I can recognise if it’s happening again. You just never know how you’re gonna feel at the time xx

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      • Absolutely. I got very good at recognising it and going to the doctor and asking for the help I needed. My family and friends learned to be vigilant too and approach me if they saw me struggling. I’m sure you will be just fine. xx

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  8. Sabrina – so glad you came through your PND and are so much better equipped by the time baby number 2 arrives.

    I’m surprised how often midwives and those who encourage breastfeeding get a bad rep. There are countless things about breastfeeding beneficial for both Mum and baby, which is why they recommend it!

    I breastfed my daughter for a year and it was tough. Interestingly enough I had no support from anyone except my husband – and pressure to switch to formula! I was told I’d make things easier for myself; however my aim wasn’t to make things easier for me, but to give my daughter the very best start I could. It wasn’t convenient – of course not! – but I was driven to keep going despite the lack of support.

    My happiness came from that. I suppose it all depends on how one defines ‘happiness’.

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    • Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds quite the opposite from the usual, in that you felt pressured to move to formula! That is so great you breastfed for a year, I know it has health benefits so i’m going to try for at least 6 weeks with honey nut. Every mum is different and yes happiness is different things to different people xx

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  9. I’m right there with you. I have never been diagnosed with PND – I was totally fine after Reuben, and not at all bad after Toby however after Edith, I really do feel that I have suffered with PND, I have found everything so much harder, but obviously with this being third baby I think people assume you can “handle it”. She has been a very different kettle of fish to the boys and, well, it’s been suffocating and exhausting. I’m beginning to come around again now but I totally get your fears. I don’t think I will have any more children, and if I do it won’t be for a long time, purely because of this. H x

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    • Yes that’s another thing I have noticed with this second pregnancy, there’s less checkups and the assumption you’re okay because you’ve done it before. So I can see that after the baby is here, that assumption carries on. I’m glad you’re coming round, but it is hard work! I don’t blame you for not wanting any more, you got to think of your own sanity Xx

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  10. What you’ve written could literally be me after the birth of my son. I think second time around you’re more prepared though and you certainly put less pressure on yourself- or so I’ve heard. Good luck, and at least you know the warning signs and the feelings so you should be able to deal with them quicker second time around x

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    • I’m so glad you said that, makes me feel a bit normal! I wonder if being in London made it worse, like I missed my old life of going out into town and shopping, it’s sort of in your face as you look out the window! This time round I do feel more prepared and more used to ‘Mumny’ life so it won’t be such a lifestyle change and shock, so I hope I won’t have those feelings again xx

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      • I do think if I had a country lifestyle I might not have felt quite so isolated. Like you said it was watching everyone else go about their daily lives without any hindrance and not being able to just join in. London living is so busy from morning to night with drinks and dinners and catch ups that it all changes as soon as a baby comes along. Now I know what being a mummy entails slipping in a few extra kids now wouldn’t be quite the shock! lol. x

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  11. Oh hun I am not surprised you have the same fears that must of been really tough to go through but really just do what feels right for you to keep you happy don’t pressure yourself with feeding, That midwife was so right you need to be happy xx

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  12. Those early days are so hard. Hopefully it won’t be so bad this time as when you know what’s coming, you will be prepared for it. I only have 1 child I’m afraid so no further wisdom to impart! #BloggerClubUK

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  13. I’m sorry you went through such a tough time but I can completely identify – I felt low to begin with. Speaking about it really can help so much. Thank you for sharing xx #BloggerClubUK

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  14. I worry that my wife with get pnd, or even that I will. I hope you’ll be okay this time around, at least you will be aware of the signs and symptoms of it happening and can get support sooner. #bloggerclubuk

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  15. I can completely identify with you! I’m so sorry you had a rough time, it’s such a difficult thing to deal with but just remember to do what makes you happy! Don’t let anyone put pressure on you. I so agree, happy mum = happy baby ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

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  16. Ah Sabrina, I’m sorry it was so tough for you the first time. Like the other commenters say, every pregnancy & delivery is different & the way you feel after the baby is different too. Don’t worry about it as there’s nothing you can do now to change how you will feel then. .Those pesky hormones have a lot to do with it as does how easy the baby is to manage. Oh how many nights sleep you loose during labour – those were the factors that most affected how I felt the weeks after giving birth. Best of luck to you lovely! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #bloggerclubuk x

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    • Ahh thanks Becky, luckily it was only 3 weeks, I’ve heard it lasts months and months for other mums. I felt better for writing what happened down and definitely feeling more positive xx

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  17. I am sorry you had a tough time with Tyler, a baby is certainly life changing, and the biggest responsibility of your life that you’ll ever take on. It’s so great that the student midwife gave you those words of encouragement, , I don’t think it’s fair that midwifes in general let alone student midwife’s should encourage breastfeeding to the point where it makes the mother feel inadequate if she cannot do it, or physically/mentally it is making her unhappy. Of course breastfeeding Is the better option, but it has to work for both you and the baby, and if it isn’t then that’s when the trouble starts. I’m sure things will be great hyena, at least you’ll know the signs if things do start to falter. ๐Ÿ˜šโค๏ธ #BloggerClubUK

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  18. Hi Sabrina. I’m sorry you had such a horrible time the first time. I had to comment as I had such a similar experience to you and in a really short time after the birth of my boy, I was diagnosed with PND. Things were very rocky for a while and I do worry about having number 2 in case it all happens again. I would hope you learn from the things you go through though and I certainly wouldn’t put so much pressure on myself to breastfeed this time if it wasn’t working for me. I’m going to keep following your blog as you’re close to me – I’m in Reading – and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well x

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    • Thank you for your lovely comment, I’m sorry you had it too. It’s a real shock to the system having a first baby! But definitely know what signs to look out for, so I’m hoping it will be alright this time round. So nice to hear you’re nearby, fellow Berkshire mum! Xx

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  19. Hey Sabrina, I couldn’t see a follow up to this so you may be feeling differently but we are currently working with a hypnotherapist at Type the Hype and if you’d like to try his recordings to help with these feelings then please let me know. Might not be your thing but I have tried a couple and they are super relaxing! x

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    • Hi Gemma, I’ve been fine this time round so I don’t think I’ll need them, but that’s a good idea to write up a follow up post – thanks for the idea! Xx

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